As is likely to happen in my life as a medical subject, I received a 7am call this morning from the hospital. The apologetic woman on the other line said that she was very sorry for calling so early, but they need to push back my picc line appointment by an hour. Rhonda and I were already up and dressed, ready for our early departure. I decided to use the extra time to write and drink my coffee. (Buddy and Rhonda went back to bed as Rhonda snuggled into the flannel sheet, holding on to the dog, she explained "I LOVE going back to bed, Buddy.")
All in all, I feel very prepared for today. I am ready. I have tied up most loose ends with work, we have worked tirelessly to get the house ready, cook and freeze food, and schedule our month. We have people flying in to help us, we have a troop of locals cooks bringing meals, and we have warm clean beds awaiting us in the homes of our Green Bay friends.
I have also taken lots of time to sit with this experience emotionally and spiritually. Yoga, therapy, meditation, plus walks in the woods have all allowed me the space to begin to process. One of the trickiest but most pervasive pieces of well-intended advice I have received in the recent weeks is think positive! For many, this is intended to inspire confidence in my ability to survive cancer. However, it also works to encourage masking the difficult emotional realities that come with a cancer diagnosis. I have had to learn to put aside these admonishments to just and only think positive thoughts and allow myself the space to be scared, worried, and uncertain. Making room for all of the feelings that come out of my experience of cancer allows me to be brave and strong and, ultimately, very ready to heal.
So, as I sit here sipping the last of my morning coffee, watching the sun come up over the trees, I feel that I have done a lot of good work to prepare for this moment. I am well nourished in many ways, and I am ready.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Frequently Asked Questions
Rhonda and I have been as busy as little squirrels preparing for winter, except that our preparations are of food, plans, and favors. We have been working hard in getting reading for the coming weeks of treatment and trying to squeeze in some time outside (where it has been sunny and in the 50s). This means that I have been slow to write. However, I want to take the time to answer a couple of frequently asked questions.
Q: What led you to have your mole removed? Or, how did you end up finding out you had melanoma?
I had a big mole on my left ear lobe. It had been around as long as I can remember (although my mom swears I didn't go to college with it!) I had had several dermatologists look at it over the years, and they all said that it was benign. One Dr. even went so far as to explain that it is a "hair producing mole" and they are never cancerous. I was discouraged from having it removed by these early consults -- one doctor told me that having the mole removed would be "purely cosmetic" and that it would leave a scar more noticeable than the mole itself.
Anyway, the mole had grown some and had become painful within the last year. I mentioned it to my family doc who referred me to a plastic surgeon who could biopsy it. I almost didn't follow through with the appointment (because of above previous experiences), but go to see Dr. Lee who did not hesitate and removed the mole on January 12th.
Q: Do you feel sick or tired?
No. I really don't. This is pretty typical of melanoma -- you only start to feel sick once the cancer is pretty advanced. I feel very normal. I have been able to exercise daily, do yoga, and continue with everything I would normally do.
Q: What will your treatment be like?
I will be receiving 30 minute infusions of interferon five days a week for a month. I will have a picc line put in the morning of my first treatment (this Monday, 3/22) and then all of my infusions will be delivered through that line. I will be at the center for 1-2 hours a day.
Side effects of the interferon are "flu like symptoms" and fatigue. The side effects are cumulative, so I will likely feel more tired by the end of each week and by the end of the month.
Q: Will you drive back and forth to Green Bay every day?
No. The schedule (at least for now) is that we will drive home on Monday and Tuesday afternoons, and then we will stay with friends on Wednesdays and Thursdays.
[For those of you who don't know your Northeastern Wisconsin Geography, Marinette is about 60 miles from Green Bay. However, now that the new highway is open, it can take just 50 minutes!]
Q: Are you working this semester?
I am not teaching this semester. I received the initial diagnosis on the first day of the semester, and by Thursday I was told by my oncologist that I could not work this semester. (My colleagues and the dean worked amazingly quickly to get coverage for my courses.) I have been able to do some "meaningful work" for the university, and this has allowed me to work between 10-20 hours a week for the last six weeks. I will be on complete leave during treatment.
Q: What led you to have your mole removed? Or, how did you end up finding out you had melanoma?
I had a big mole on my left ear lobe. It had been around as long as I can remember (although my mom swears I didn't go to college with it!) I had had several dermatologists look at it over the years, and they all said that it was benign. One Dr. even went so far as to explain that it is a "hair producing mole" and they are never cancerous. I was discouraged from having it removed by these early consults -- one doctor told me that having the mole removed would be "purely cosmetic" and that it would leave a scar more noticeable than the mole itself.
Anyway, the mole had grown some and had become painful within the last year. I mentioned it to my family doc who referred me to a plastic surgeon who could biopsy it. I almost didn't follow through with the appointment (because of above previous experiences), but go to see Dr. Lee who did not hesitate and removed the mole on January 12th.
Q: Do you feel sick or tired?
No. I really don't. This is pretty typical of melanoma -- you only start to feel sick once the cancer is pretty advanced. I feel very normal. I have been able to exercise daily, do yoga, and continue with everything I would normally do.
Q: What will your treatment be like?
I will be receiving 30 minute infusions of interferon five days a week for a month. I will have a picc line put in the morning of my first treatment (this Monday, 3/22) and then all of my infusions will be delivered through that line. I will be at the center for 1-2 hours a day.
Side effects of the interferon are "flu like symptoms" and fatigue. The side effects are cumulative, so I will likely feel more tired by the end of each week and by the end of the month.
Q: Will you drive back and forth to Green Bay every day?
No. The schedule (at least for now) is that we will drive home on Monday and Tuesday afternoons, and then we will stay with friends on Wednesdays and Thursdays.
[For those of you who don't know your Northeastern Wisconsin Geography, Marinette is about 60 miles from Green Bay. However, now that the new highway is open, it can take just 50 minutes!]
Q: Are you working this semester?
I am not teaching this semester. I received the initial diagnosis on the first day of the semester, and by Thursday I was told by my oncologist that I could not work this semester. (My colleagues and the dean worked amazingly quickly to get coverage for my courses.) I have been able to do some "meaningful work" for the university, and this has allowed me to work between 10-20 hours a week for the last six weeks. I will be on complete leave during treatment.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
lucky
When Rhonda and I bought our house three years ago, we were convinced to do so because of the woods. The house is fine (we've made it more our own), but the seven acres of land -- including six acres of woods -- was the true selling point.
I cannot overstate how much joy and contentment we get from walking in the woods. We have a small loop of a trail, and if you go around twice, it takes about 20 minutes. It has been a tremendous resource in the recent weeks. Buddy loves the smells and dreams of tracking deer and rabbits unleashed. Rhonda sometimes goes to the woods for some good alone time. And I enjoy both solitary walks and walking with Rhonda's company.
Today as I walked in the woods it was clear that spring is coming. There were snow-free patches of mossy growth, warmth in the air, and signs of general activity. But it was the light, drifting down from the the sky 30-feet above, that really made me feel that all is well.
I cannot overstate how much joy and contentment we get from walking in the woods. We have a small loop of a trail, and if you go around twice, it takes about 20 minutes. It has been a tremendous resource in the recent weeks. Buddy loves the smells and dreams of tracking deer and rabbits unleashed. Rhonda sometimes goes to the woods for some good alone time. And I enjoy both solitary walks and walking with Rhonda's company.
Today as I walked in the woods it was clear that spring is coming. There were snow-free patches of mossy growth, warmth in the air, and signs of general activity. But it was the light, drifting down from the the sky 30-feet above, that really made me feel that all is well.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Treatment Update
Dear friends and family,
In the last two weeks I have continued to recover well from surgery; my ear looks better than anticipated, and I have even been told by some that I can not get away with any of the multiple ear lobe stories suggested by friends (shark bite, Mike Tyson, and Van Gogh being the most popular). Rhonda and I have been to New York and back, and we have even planted our first seeds indoors (parsley, in case you are wondering).
After the meeting with the Sloan-Kettering melanoma specialist and a consultation with my local oncologist, we have decided that I will do four weeks of interferon treatment to help my immune system fight off any remaining cancer cells and prevent recurrence. I will receive treatment five days a week from March 22nd through April 16th at the Bellin Cancer Center in Green Bay. I will not, however, do the additional 11 months of treatment as both doctors agreed that the most benefit comes within the first month.
I have been very impressed with both the facility and the comprehensive onsite services at Bellin. The treatment area – where I will spend two hours a day – is a beautiful sunlit space that overlooks a garden. And, because of the potential side effects of interferon, we are pleased to know that there is a nutritionist, psychologist, and a doctor who specialized in integrative holistic medicine on staff.
After treatment I will be on a rigorous program of observation with oncology/dermatology appointments four times a year for several years. While the post-treatment period will bring relief in many ways, we both recognize that there will be significant challenge in living with the uncertainty of recurrence. In the past weeks we have stepped up our self-care game, and the many forms this takes for us (cooking healthy, whole foods; walks in our woods; yoga and volleyball; meditation; the company of friends and family, etc.) will sustain us in the coming years.
I continue to be very grateful for all of the ways we have both been supported in the recent weeks. And, although I haven’t been able to respond to all, I very much appreciate the messages and well wishes.
As the very first seeds of the garden begin to germinate, I ask you to continue to envision wellness blooming.
With hope,
Amy
In the last two weeks I have continued to recover well from surgery; my ear looks better than anticipated, and I have even been told by some that I can not get away with any of the multiple ear lobe stories suggested by friends (shark bite, Mike Tyson, and Van Gogh being the most popular). Rhonda and I have been to New York and back, and we have even planted our first seeds indoors (parsley, in case you are wondering).
After the meeting with the Sloan-Kettering melanoma specialist and a consultation with my local oncologist, we have decided that I will do four weeks of interferon treatment to help my immune system fight off any remaining cancer cells and prevent recurrence. I will receive treatment five days a week from March 22nd through April 16th at the Bellin Cancer Center in Green Bay. I will not, however, do the additional 11 months of treatment as both doctors agreed that the most benefit comes within the first month.
I have been very impressed with both the facility and the comprehensive onsite services at Bellin. The treatment area – where I will spend two hours a day – is a beautiful sunlit space that overlooks a garden. And, because of the potential side effects of interferon, we are pleased to know that there is a nutritionist, psychologist, and a doctor who specialized in integrative holistic medicine on staff.
After treatment I will be on a rigorous program of observation with oncology/dermatology appointments four times a year for several years. While the post-treatment period will bring relief in many ways, we both recognize that there will be significant challenge in living with the uncertainty of recurrence. In the past weeks we have stepped up our self-care game, and the many forms this takes for us (cooking healthy, whole foods; walks in our woods; yoga and volleyball; meditation; the company of friends and family, etc.) will sustain us in the coming years.
I continue to be very grateful for all of the ways we have both been supported in the recent weeks. And, although I haven’t been able to respond to all, I very much appreciate the messages and well wishes.
As the very first seeds of the garden begin to germinate, I ask you to continue to envision wellness blooming.
With hope,
Amy
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